Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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