i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
