I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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