ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
