She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
