There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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