I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
did i walk over a car last night?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
