...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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