If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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