I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
