Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Tell her she can't have a vagina
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
