I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
