You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
