Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
