I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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