i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
