She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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