Swine flu. Run for my life!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
