my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i was born a porn star she said
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
