the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
