you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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