Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Randomize
