DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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