We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
