My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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