The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
