I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
