Moan for me like Helen Keller
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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