the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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