I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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