Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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