This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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