My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
