Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I just pynch a tree in the face
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
