I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
