I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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