John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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