he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
