Please, let me fuck your mom
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
