Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
