Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
