Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Randomize
