he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
