I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
