I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
