Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
