Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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