You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
