im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
