I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
