Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
